Zen BurgerIn lieu of doing an actual review for you tonight (since I don’t currently have any official products), I’m going to take you on an experimental trip into the wonderful world of food creation. Inspired by a recent post I stumbled upon on Facebook, I have decided to craft the ultimate burger. That means going above and beyond the typical condiments and toppings, and really thinking outside the box to create something entirely new, original, and potentially hazardous to my health. I call tonight’s creation the Zen Burger, because it is one with everything.

Ingredients and Process:

90/10 Ground Sirloin Patty, Breaded Chicken Patty, HEB Chopped Beef in Barbecue Sauce, Provolone Cheese, Fried Egg, Seasoned Red Potato Wedges, Mozzarella Sticks, Lettuce, Tomato, Jalapenos, Serranos, Hot Hatch Green Chile, Barbecue Sauce, Bacon Ranch Dressing, and Wheat Submarine Roll

Zen Burger 1This is a pretty complicated affair. Since the chicken patty, potatoes, and cheese sticks were all frozen, and all required close to the same oven temperature, my first step was to heat them up together. Once that got underway, I sliced up the Hatch pepper and tomato (I had previously sliced the jalapenos and serranos and stored them in the freezer). Next, I fired up the trusty George Foreman Grill and threw on the burger patty, placing the Provolone on the burger in the last few minutes. With that cooking, I started in on the fried egg, heating the peppers on the adjacent burner at the same time. The final cooking step was easy, since the barbecue beef is microwaveable. Finally done with cooking everything, I layered the ingredients on the submarine roll, starting with the burger patty and shredded beef, and working my way up to to the chicken, egg, and various fruits and vegetables.


Zen Burger 4See for yourself. Basically, this is the sort of burger/sandwich a drunk person would make, assuming the drunk person could successfully multitask and manage an electric grill, an oven, a microwave, two stove burners, and a cutting board. It is definitely the most colorful burger I have ever made or eaten. It is also probably the biggest, and it makes me feel like I’m on an episode of a certain Travel Channel show about ridiculous food challenges.

The Verdict:


If there’s one weak link in this chain, it is easily the submarine roll. Oh, who am I kidding? This bun is way too thin. Had I been working with the colossal bread from Subway, I might have been okay, but this HEB Bakery roll is just too weak to hold up this manly burger. After only a couple of bites, in which my burger feel apart and stained my fingers with delicious barbecue sauce, I knew I had to take a more forky approach. Unfortunately, that also made it difficult to assess this creation as a single unit, since I could no longer properly or easily gather every single ingredient into a given bite. That said, this thing still turned out to be pretty darn good. The sweetness of the buttery fried egg works very well with the tartness of the tomatoes and peppers… But really, this is all about the meat, isn’t it? With three different types of meat, this burger does not fail to disappoint. The barbecue flavor is the ultimate standout, but the overall combination is delicious. Also, the triple-pepper combination and the spicy barbecue sauce work together to whip up a pretty good heat. If I had to rate it (and I’m going to), I’ll give it a Mean for heat and a Nice for flavor. Yep, the Zen Burger is bipolar.

Final Word:

Someday in the future, I will make a Zen Burger 2.0, perhaps with different ingredients. The most important thing, though, will be to find a bread that is manly enough to hold all of my awesome ingredients. I’ll let you know when that happens!


Leave a comment

Leave a Reply